Mom Confessions: Rejection Hurts

For the last several years, or maybe even a tad bit more than several, I've been struggling to deal with rejection. A little over a year ago, in the fall of 2014, I wrote about how I so desperately wanted a friend. (If you missed that post, or want to re-read my breakdown, you can do so here.) Going into the New Year, I decided to really put myself out there and step out of my comfort zone of being so shy. I do have the tendency to want to to just hide when I'm in a room full of people, but I feel like I've made leaps and bounds in getting out there.

In January I sat down one night and began to read the book, "Love Does" by Bob Goff. I had bought it a while back on my Kindle and for whatever reason, decided to read to it months and months later. By that point I forgot what it was about. For those who haven't read it, it's a short narrative about his life and how the Lord has shown himself throughout it. In one chapter, he wrote about a prank he played on one of his good friends, and then begins to tell about a phone call he received from Uganda asking if he could be an Ambassador for their country. Thinking it was a prank his friend was playing on him in return, he decided to just say yes to whatever they asked. Turns out it wasn't a prank but a legitimate thing. He then questions readers to think about what could happen in their lives if they decide to just say yes to the next opportunity that presents itself instead of making up excuses not to.

I finished that chapter and was done reading for the night, but thought long and hard about starting to just say yes to things, even if I wasn't comfortable doing it. The next day I dropped JP off at pre-school and went home to spend the morning with Charlotte. It was then that I received a message asking if I wanted to join a Bible study group that she would be leading, starting in just a few days. I immediately recalled the book and what I had just read, and opted to just say yes.

I can't even begin to tell you how nervous I was that first session, and every session following it, but I've met some really great women through that study. Because I was so new in the group I really wasn't sure if I would go back to the session in the fall. It wasn't until that August that I decided I would. I made a cake for the previous leader's son, and quite a few familiar faces were there from the Bible study, one of which told me she was going to be leading the fall session, and said something to the effect of "loving it if I would join." Remember how I just wanted to feel included, like I was needed? I hardly knew her, but in that moment, I felt wanted. It sounds dumb, but just her asking me to join, literally almost brought me to tears. Just recalling that does the same.

This past summer I felt like I was doing so well at meeting people too. I felt oddly social. It's weird for me to feel that way. One summer evening we even had a family come over for dinner, and I again feel silly for saying this but, THEY DIDN'T CANCEL ON US!! That alone was HUGE for my self confidence. I can't even begin to tell you how many times Perry and I have been cancelled on at the last minute. Or even when I set up a play date, or coffee date and I'm cancelled on at the last minute or they just don't show up. It kills me every time. Every time I'm brought to tears or close to it. You would think eventually I would get used to it, but I haven't yet. Perry doesn't understand why I keep trying to meet up with the same people over and over with the same result - quite frankly, I don't either.

In September I met our newest neighbors on the street, and got re-acquainted with a couple others. By the end of the year I was really feeling like I belonged, that I had people I could call friends. I was being invited to do things like go to dinner, come over for play dates, share in a glass of wine, and meet up at a concert. I really felt like I belonged. It was a wonderful feeling to have after so long!

One evening before everyone went their separate ways for Christmas the neighbor ladies and I got together for an afternoon class of painting. We all thought it would be fun to have a progressive dinner party over New Years Eve as none of us had plans already. I was stoked! I had a group of people to do things with! Then my work schedule changed a little bit and I let them know, but then to me it sounded like everyone wasn't up for it after all because of their New Year's Day plans with work and such. I followed up with everyone a couple days before hand to see if it was a go. One decided on going to a concert because they didn't think we were going to do the dinner party since I was working. The other two decided to get together for dinner, and then we all agreed to meet up afterwards for games, appetizers and desserts.

I spent the afternoon getting appetizers ready. I made ham and pickle roll-ups, shrimp and cream cheese dip, and had everything ready for little smokies in the crock pot, not to mention all the chips and dip I also had ready. I was all ready to entertain people, a bit frazzled, but so excited to entertain people. I went to work and left at 7, as planned, and I texted the group to let them know I was on my way home and they could come over to our house when they were ready. Three hours later I had one reply apologizing for for the late reply, and then a vague reference to coming over but the baby was still sleeping. I replied telling her to bring her over because we had lots of food here. And then nothing. No response or anything.

I will say this, I was very thankful Perry had a friend in town who also brought over a friend so we weren't alone on New Years Eve. I had also invited my "let's have wine" neighbor over for a drink too and she stopped by for a little bit. Perry told me over and over that I did a really good job getting ready for the party and was there to comfort me as night progressed and I began to realize no one was coming over. The four of us watched the ball drop before they headed home. Perry stumbled off to the shower and I hopped on Facebook before crawling into bed. And then I saw it. A picture of the neighbors together on New Years looking all happy and I burst out crying. I immediately was overcome with a feeling of rejection.

It's been a few days now, and it consumes my mind. I'm embarrassed as to how excited I was to have people over, and even more so when no one showed up. I'm embarrassed as to how excited I was to tell everyone at work about the dinner party I was planning and then later having to say no one showed up. My boss even went to the extent of helping me figure out a solution to the schedule so I could still go to the dinner party as planned. For the last few days I've just felt so rejected.

A lot of what I've been thinking about this evening is how do I face them tomorrow? I want to throw down the mature adult card and pretend like I don't feel hurt and move on. But I do feel hurt. I also don't want them to feel bad for making me feel bad. I really don't know how to approach the situation. I'm so tired of being blown off by everyone. I feel like I'm back where I started 2015 at, in tears crying about not having friends.

Mom Confessions: I Need a Friend

Lately I've been feeling a little unloved. Maybe unloved isn't the right word to use because I know I'm loved by my husband and by my family. But I've been feeling unloved in a sense of friends. I vent about this to Perry far too often and I'm sure he's pretty annoyed by it when I get into these funks. Maybe I should say unwanted?

I supposed I need to learn how to control my mind a little bit better. This recent "no friends" sadness comes on the heels of my best friend's decision to leave her husband. When putting myself in her position, other than her, I have no idea who I could go to who would understand me as a friend, or who I could talk to without my family judging me. I know my family would be there to support me through whatever I would decide, but I think friends tend to fill a void. I drove two and a half hours to help gather her things from the house and was relieved to see how many of friends showed up to help her out. And then I wondered, who would help me? Would anyone drop what they're doing to help me out when I most need it? If something were to happen to Perry, I'd be lost. *On that note, no, Perry and I are not getting divorced, nor have we even thought about it.*

Perry knows I've been struggling with "being wanted" for a long long time. I'm embarrassed to admit that once I threw my engagement ring at him because he didn't invite me to hang out with his friends in our garage. I knew most everyone out there, but I didn't want to join in on the fun unless I was asked to. It was stupid of me, but we eventually worked through it between the two of us, but ultimately, I still want to be wanted by others. I want to be wanted in a way where people need me. Where people want to do things with me. I want to be that go-to person who someone calls just to talk to.

Last week my parents went to the movie together and told me they were doing so multiple times. I thought it was nice to see them go out together. Then my sister came over and informed me she was going with them. In that moment I was a little hurt because I wasn't asked to come along, regardless of if I could or not. The next day Perry left me at home to go to a movie with his mom and the sting of feeling unwanted stung a little bit more. Why am I not being asked to spend time with other people? I get that I have kids, but I can work around them!

Like I expressed to Perry last night, I don't understand why I'm having such a hard time making friends. I've invited numerous moms to come over with their kids for a playdate, which most have come, but that's where it ends. That's where I get frustrated. We seem to hit it off really well but then I'm never asked to do anything, whether it be to grab a coffee, or meet them at a park.  It usually goes something like me saying, "Would you want to meet up on Saturday at a park?" and them responding with, "I love to but we've got plans. I'll let you know when I'm free." Guess what? They're never free. Ever. I understand that people like to go do things on the weekends and spend time with their families because their weekdays are filled with work, but how many times do I have to ask before I'm just annoying? I'm not asking for them to spend the whole day with me, but give me an hour? Stay-at-home moms drive me crazy because they don't have a job to schedule around, but I've yet to receive an invite from one of them yet. I had once had my son's friends come over and the two of them played nicely together and his mom and I got along really well, to the point that she said "We need to have you guys come to our place sometime." Imagine how I felt when I overheard her inviting other people to come over to their house. Jealous much?

I will probably cry when someone finally asks me to do something with them, without me reminding them that I extist. I'm pathetic but I've been waiting and waiting for some one to just call me, or shoot me a text, or Facebook me something that says, "Want to come over for a playdate?" "I'm going to the park with the kids, want to join?" I know that friends aren't made over night, but I feel like every time I meet up with people, it's always one sided. Me putting myself out there and you just tagging along to entertain your kid for an hour. How do I get a call back after a playdate?

What am I doing wrong? Was my house too clean because I scrambled to pick up all the toys before you came over so I could make a good impression? Or was it too dirty because I hadn't mopped or dusted in a while? I feel like I've been going out of my way to try to make friends, even acquaintances. I purposely stand around the pre-school doors with a "happy" look on my face because happy people are easier to approach than mad looking people. If I don't then I feel like I'm suffering from Resting Bitch Face. (I know it sounds dumb - Perry laughed when I told him that too. Feel free to laugh with him but it's a real thing. Google it.) I'm coming to terms with the fact that if I don't approach people, they won't approach me. Coming from someone who has a hard time putting herself out there, approaching people isn't easy for me! I really have to psych myself up to do it. I've gone to the extent of buying new clothes so I would feel more confident in myself when approaching people. How dumb is that? It all leads me back to the questions of "What am I doing wrong? Why don't I have people who want to do stuff with me?"