Mom Confessions: I Need a Friend

Lately I've been feeling a little unloved. Maybe unloved isn't the right word to use because I know I'm loved by my husband and by my family. But I've been feeling unloved in a sense of friends. I vent about this to Perry far too often and I'm sure he's pretty annoyed by it when I get into these funks. Maybe I should say unwanted?

I supposed I need to learn how to control my mind a little bit better. This recent "no friends" sadness comes on the heels of my best friend's decision to leave her husband. When putting myself in her position, other than her, I have no idea who I could go to who would understand me as a friend, or who I could talk to without my family judging me. I know my family would be there to support me through whatever I would decide, but I think friends tend to fill a void. I drove two and a half hours to help gather her things from the house and was relieved to see how many of friends showed up to help her out. And then I wondered, who would help me? Would anyone drop what they're doing to help me out when I most need it? If something were to happen to Perry, I'd be lost. *On that note, no, Perry and I are not getting divorced, nor have we even thought about it.*

Perry knows I've been struggling with "being wanted" for a long long time. I'm embarrassed to admit that once I threw my engagement ring at him because he didn't invite me to hang out with his friends in our garage. I knew most everyone out there, but I didn't want to join in on the fun unless I was asked to. It was stupid of me, but we eventually worked through it between the two of us, but ultimately, I still want to be wanted by others. I want to be wanted in a way where people need me. Where people want to do things with me. I want to be that go-to person who someone calls just to talk to.

Last week my parents went to the movie together and told me they were doing so multiple times. I thought it was nice to see them go out together. Then my sister came over and informed me she was going with them. In that moment I was a little hurt because I wasn't asked to come along, regardless of if I could or not. The next day Perry left me at home to go to a movie with his mom and the sting of feeling unwanted stung a little bit more. Why am I not being asked to spend time with other people? I get that I have kids, but I can work around them!

Like I expressed to Perry last night, I don't understand why I'm having such a hard time making friends. I've invited numerous moms to come over with their kids for a playdate, which most have come, but that's where it ends. That's where I get frustrated. We seem to hit it off really well but then I'm never asked to do anything, whether it be to grab a coffee, or meet them at a park.  It usually goes something like me saying, "Would you want to meet up on Saturday at a park?" and them responding with, "I love to but we've got plans. I'll let you know when I'm free." Guess what? They're never free. Ever. I understand that people like to go do things on the weekends and spend time with their families because their weekdays are filled with work, but how many times do I have to ask before I'm just annoying? I'm not asking for them to spend the whole day with me, but give me an hour? Stay-at-home moms drive me crazy because they don't have a job to schedule around, but I've yet to receive an invite from one of them yet. I had once had my son's friends come over and the two of them played nicely together and his mom and I got along really well, to the point that she said "We need to have you guys come to our place sometime." Imagine how I felt when I overheard her inviting other people to come over to their house. Jealous much?

I will probably cry when someone finally asks me to do something with them, without me reminding them that I extist. I'm pathetic but I've been waiting and waiting for some one to just call me, or shoot me a text, or Facebook me something that says, "Want to come over for a playdate?" "I'm going to the park with the kids, want to join?" I know that friends aren't made over night, but I feel like every time I meet up with people, it's always one sided. Me putting myself out there and you just tagging along to entertain your kid for an hour. How do I get a call back after a playdate?

What am I doing wrong? Was my house too clean because I scrambled to pick up all the toys before you came over so I could make a good impression? Or was it too dirty because I hadn't mopped or dusted in a while? I feel like I've been going out of my way to try to make friends, even acquaintances. I purposely stand around the pre-school doors with a "happy" look on my face because happy people are easier to approach than mad looking people. If I don't then I feel like I'm suffering from Resting Bitch Face. (I know it sounds dumb - Perry laughed when I told him that too. Feel free to laugh with him but it's a real thing. Google it.) I'm coming to terms with the fact that if I don't approach people, they won't approach me. Coming from someone who has a hard time putting herself out there, approaching people isn't easy for me! I really have to psych myself up to do it. I've gone to the extent of buying new clothes so I would feel more confident in myself when approaching people. How dumb is that? It all leads me back to the questions of "What am I doing wrong? Why don't I have people who want to do stuff with me?"